消失-Bluer SKY │愛情公寓交友網站與聊天室

如果她不是一個那麼喜歡觀察的人，或許，她的人生裡，就不會有那些紛擾。

她曾希望，跟他，能站在相知相惜的立場，永遠不見面，永遠只在網路上交換彼此的人生，爲彼此記錄生命裡的快樂與悲傷、成功與挫折。

「我們一辈子不見面，我想知道這樣的可能。」她曾這麼告訴他。她是那麼珍惜跟他的緣分，於是想辦法在中間劃下可能的界線，因為逾越了，她心裡清楚，很多事情就沒有回頭的餘地了。

而親密感是包裝美麗的毒餌，在那些徹夜不眠的對話中，她不得不面對事實：她跟他在乎對方的程度，已經超過了朋友的界線。她知道自己的愛情，一旦愛了，就會是全心全意的付出。而理智終究敵不過想要真實擁抱彼此的渴望。

在愛與不愛之間，她掙扎過，因為她的付出，對他的身分，將是一種負擔，她必須小心翼翼地避免。「我不想成為任何人的負擔，對我的感情，我自己負責！」她這麼告訴他。

在那段日子裡，她是快樂的，即使她知道男人不可能給她任何承諾，她依然珍藏著與他共享的記憶。而她也相信男人是愛她的，直到男人扯開她的心。

當男人提出保留還可以自由地跟其他人發生關係的要求時，她無法理解，人與人之間，對愛的看法竟有那麼大的落差；或者，對男人來說，所謂的愛，是應該含有這樣的包容。男人甚至告訴她，如果她想要，也可以保有這樣的自由。

她原以為自己知道怎麼愛一個人，卻沒想到，原來愛情裡還有這樣的遊戲規則：當你愛上一個已婚的人時，同時也要接受他除了對你以外，對別人還存在的慾望。她以為男人了解她，卻沒想到，男人從沒有真正認識過她。所有說過的珍惜，竟然只是虛有其表。

再度回顧男人在日記裡宣稱的珍惜、深愛、exclusive時，她只覺得痛，痛到她想切割自己的心跟身體，好讓自己不再感覺痛。當她在MSN上瀟灑地告訴男人，她可以照他的遊戲規則玩，但他也將失去她的愛情時，她必須咬著手，不讓自己哭出聲。在這場遊戲裡，她甚至沒有哭的權利。

當她知道，在她的傷口還在淌血，男人卻已經找到新的目標時，對男人曾有的感激、依戀、還有所有的一切，都在她無聲的嘶吼中散去。

她知道她終會走出這一切，也不會因為她曾經深愛過的男人的愛情觀，而糟蹋自己的感情及身體。但無法忍受的是，男人在自己的日記裡扮演著悲情又深情的角色，訴說著對於這一切的痛心，好像她才是對感情自暴自棄的始作俑者，而他對這些，有多麼的難過。男人似乎忘了，這一切，是他那無法滿足的欲望及追逐所留下的後果。

她，選擇了自我治療的方式，她不再在乎能在男人心裏留下什麼？因為她曾有的在乎，已經在男人虛偽的面具下，隨風而逝。

傷口不會消失，但終究會癒合，即使將留下醜陋的疤痕。

她依然相信，愛情不是神話。

至於那些甘於醜陋的，就讓他繼續玩他的遊戲吧！

                              I've been trying for hours just to think of what exactly to say
                              I thought l'd leave you with a letter or firey speech
                              Like when an actor makes an exit at the end of a play

                              And l've been dying for hours trying to fill up all the holes with some sense
                              l'd like to know why you gave up and you threw it away
                              l'd like to give you all the reasons and what everything meant

                              Well I could tell you "good-bye" or maybe "see you around"
                              With just a touch of a sarcastic "thanks"
                              We started out the with a bang and at the top of the world
                              Now the guns are exhausted and the bullets are blanks
                              And everything's blank

                              If I could only find the words then I would write it all down
                              If I could only find a voice I would speak
                              Oh, it's there in my eyes oh can't you see me tonight
                              C'mon and look at me and read 'em and weep

                              I've been whispering softly
                              Trying to build a cry up into a scream
                              We let the past slip away
                              And put the future on hold
                              Now the present is nothing but a hollowed out dream

                              And I've been dreaming forever
                              Hoping something would eventually come
                              I saw your eyes in the dark, I felt your kiss on my lips
                              I traced your body in the air until the bodies were numb

                              Well I could tell you "good-bye" or maybe "see you around"
                              With just a touch of a sarcastic "thanks"
                              But now the rooms are all empty, the candles are dark
                              The guns are exhausted and the bullets are blanks
                              And everything's blank

                              If I could find the words then I would write it all down
                              If I could only find a voice I would speak
                              Oh it's there in my eyes so can't you see me tonight
                              C'mon and look at me and read 'em and weep
                              Oh, It's there in my eyes and coming straight from my heart
                              It's running silent and angry and deep
                              Oh, It's there in my eyes and it's all I can say
                              C'mon, and look at me
                              And read 'em and weep

                              (Read 'em and weep)
                              For all the hours we'll be spending alone
                              (Read 'em and weep)
                              For the dreams we'll ignore
                              (Running silent and deep)
                              And all those promises we promised to keep,
                              They won't be kept anymore.

                              (Read 'em and weep)
                              For the magic that our bodies had made
                              (Read 'em and weep)
                              For the blood that we've lost
                              (Running silent and deep)
                              And all those secrets that we somehow betrayed
                              For whatever the cost

                              (Read 'em and weep)
                              For the memories still alive in the bed
                              (Read 'em and weep)
                              For the lies we believed
                              (Running silent and deep)
                              And all the things that will have never been said

Why don't you look at me and read 'em and weep
C'mon and look at me and read 'em

                              It's there in my eyes and coming straight from my heart
                              It's running silent and angry and deep
                              It's there in my eyes, it's all I can say
                              C'mon and look at me and read em and weep.

（音樂取自1989年發行，Barry Manilow/ Greatest Hits專輯，如有侵權，煩請告知。）